The Kings Heir
There is a hidden world under the surface of the Earth. One that has existed long before humans roamed the Earth. This kingdom has been ruled by the same family for hundreds of years. The king is under immense pressure to produce an heir. He and his queen have not been able to conceive a child. The pressure of the family, the castle, and the kingdom are on his and her shoulders. They have tried all that they could. They visited doctors and tried herbal remedies. They prayed and begged for an heir but to no avail.
One night, just past midnight, the king heard a knock on his bedroom door. He was outraged at who could be knocking on his door so late and who would the guards allow to come to his door. When the king opened his door he saw a shadowy figure. This figure was draped in a black ominous cloak. All the guards were asleep on the floor. There was a mysterious fog that was floating through the halls.
What came next was even more strange. The figure told the king that they would grant him an heir if and only if the kind did as the figure said. The dark ominous figure gave a list of tasks for the king to do.
The king must build a shrine in honor of the God Indra, the King of Heaven and lord of the gods. This task can only take seven days and seven nights, no more and no less. The king must also sacrifice something he holds dear. This was a difficult task for the king. Before the figure vanished into smoke they said, "My King, I have given you one months time to deliver to me these completed tasks. And I will grant you your heir".
Within seven days and seven nights the king had built the most majestic shrine for Indra. Now he was burdened with finding something he holds dear to sacrifice. After consulting his wife and his court, the king decided the only sacrifice great enough for them to be granted an heir is if the king abdicated his throne.
The thirtieth night came. The king sat patiently in his thrown waiting for the shadowy figure to arrive. Surely it did just before midnight. Nothing was said between the two. The gave up his crown and turned his back, ready to leave his kingdom. The figure stops him and says "My king, you have given up your honor, your legacy, your kingdom, your way of life. This is the greatest sacrifice. I will grant you your heir. You must stay king to show them what is rightfully theirs". And just as the figure had suddenly appeared it was gone.
In the coming year the kingdom celebrated the birth of the new prince. They all rejoiced as the kingdom had a new heir.
In the coming year the kingdom celebrated the birth of the new prince. They all rejoiced as the kingdom had a new heir.
Authors Note: I took inspiration from King Dasharatha and Dasharatha's Sons. I was inspired by the sacrifice Dasharatha had to do to be promised four sons. In my story the king had to make different scarifies to be granted an heir. In the original story the king had to sacrifice 21 animals.
 |
| Underwater Kingdom (source) |
Hi Sheneka!
ReplyDeleteI thought that your story was really good! I like the concept that everything was already given up by the King on his quest to have at least one son. I also really like how he is the ruler of an underground kingdom, which reminds me of Pans Labyrinth. Also, the black-cloaked figure reminded me of a character from Game of Thrones. Overall, it was a fantastic story and I was so happy that I could take different characters/ideas from different shows and mash them together. I look forward to reading more!
Hey Sheneka!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your retelling of the king's struggle to have an heir. In the Ramayana, I found the sacrifice a bit barbaric, so I really enjoyed the dark and mysterious figure who helped the king. I also really enjoyed how it showed how desperate for an heir the king was, as we was prepared to sacrifice everything. The only piece of advice I have would be to add a few more commas, colons, semicolons, and other grammar tools, as the story seemed a bit choppy at times. But besides that, great retelling!
Hi Sheneka!
ReplyDeleteI liked the twist you took on how the king was able to produce a new heir and also really enjoyed the external involvement of the ominous figure. Although, I do wish that there were details about them, but I guess that would take away from the mysteriousness, huh?. I will say that I think I saw some few spelling errors, like putting kind instead of king in the third paragraph and putting the instead of he in the second to last paragraph, but other than that, I really enjoyed your story!
I loved your story, it read like a fairy tale and was even better with the undersea city picture you added to the post. The shadowy figure/wish granting person was a great addition to the story and added a mystery factor to the whole ordeal which I really enjoyed. I wonder what the motivations behind the shadowy figure really were though considering he gave the king an heir despite receiving nothing in return (the king got back the throne in the end anyways...). Maybe you could paint the shadowy figure as a messenger from the gods or a spiritual figure doing the gods bidding. Also, I wonder why the king would give up the throne for an heir if not being king would mean he wouldn't need an heir in the first place. It makes me think there's a deeper love between the king and his wife that's untold in that they really just wanted a son that badly that they would give up a kingdom for it!
ReplyDeleteHi Sheneka, I really liked your story. The details you used really drew me in and left me wanting more. I really like how you had a dark mysterious figure and how you added that there was a dark mysterious fog in the air. It really set the scene for the story. I wonder what is going to happen and if there is going to be some sort of catch that comes with this deal. What if the dark figure ends up turning his back on the king? I wonder. But overall, I really enjoyed your story and look forward to reading more!
ReplyDeleteHey Sheneka! Your story was really entertaining to read. I can see where you pulled inspiration from Dasharatha and his sons in the story from our readings of the Ramayana. Your story was really great, however, I was a little confused as to what species the beings populating the kingdom inside of the Earth were. You had said that your story took place a long time ago, before humans graced the earth, but not much else as to what exactly they were. I was also wondering a little bit about the backstory of the dark figure that offered the deal of an heir to the King. What gave him that type of ability/power/authority? I liked how at the end, you clarified the conflict with the Kind giving up his throne, as this could have been a technical complication to the whole “heir to the throne” thing. It was neat that the King in your story, much like King Dasharatha in the Ramayana, had a noble and humble enough character to sacrifice something so important.
ReplyDeleteHi Sheneka,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your story. I especially enjoyed the cryptic tone of the story. It enhanced how I perceived the plight of the king, and it changed how I perceived the actions of the king. The stakes seemed higher and the actions of the king more drastic. The mysterious man who shows up at the palace doors intrigues me as to his origin. Now that you’ve written the story, do you think that there is anything you would add or remove looking back at it? I know that I often look back at something I have written, and I end up wanting to rewrite everything. I think one thing you could try is cutting down on the passive voice that you use. I think it can add a lot to the tone of the story. I know I have had success in the past when I reduce the amount of passive voice that I use. Overall great story; keep it up.
Hey Sheneka, I really enjoyed reading this story because you incorporated different aspects that made the story more mysterious and gave a sense of what was going to happen next. I myself pull from the story of Dasharatha because I think the story itself has a lot of things going on that make for a good base for future inspired storied and I enjoy how you utilized this as well!
ReplyDelete